do something good

Eva Vila || Fall 2024

i’m afraid
that every sweet thing i’ve ever done
was selfish
because it
makes you feel good
to make other people feel good, right?
isn’t that kind of fucked up
that we’ve found a way
to make every nice act
about ourselves
as if kindness isn’t enough
for its own sake
it has to give us something in return

part of me wants a chance to do a nice thing that will hurt
to die or get gravely injured
in the process of helping someone else
so i can prove to myself it wasn’t all a game,
a show,
and i have some real goodness down inside
but even then it would be more about feeling good about myself than
really helping anyone

it will always be about
being the bigger person,
being seen as the good guy,
leaving an admirable legacy,
feeling like i’m in the right,
guilting people into thinking well of me and speaking highly in my absence

i can never do anything
without myself being involved in some way
i think that’s the curse of
being human
and god,
i hate it

i hate myself

and isn’t that why i do nice things?