let go of comparisons

by marissa pecorelli

As long as I can remember, my family has labeled me as “the bad one.” I have an older sister who’s seven years older than me, and as long as I can remember my family has compared us. Obviously, I seemed like I was less well behaved because they were comparing a three year old to a ten year old, but I digress. The comparisons are something that we both don’t like, and we both think that our family thinks better of the other one. This is just my side of the story, so [redacted], if you’re reading this, please don’t be mad (you can just text me, though).

My school life was very similar to my home life in terms of comparisons and expectations. Almost all my teachers previously had my sister, and some of them would talk about her so much it felt like they didn’t even see me. As a teenager, I was very angsty about this. They expected me to be just like her, but I wasn’t. I’m opinionated and stubborn and am not afraid to disagree with teachers. I didn’t really get in trouble, mostly because any time I misbehaved I was either funny or right, but my teachers would occasionally talk to my parents about my “misbehavior”. My mother and I have had a loooooottttttttttt of talks about “having a filter” and “knowing when to stop”. So, in their eyes, I’m the “bad” one, though neither of us are bad.

Now, you’re probably thinking, “Okay Marissa, that’s great, but what does this have to do with anything?” Here’s what this is all about: I have had to learn how to ignore comparisons out of necessity. [Redacted] and I both have similar interests, so anything I did she probably did before me (and sometimes, in my parent’s eyes, better than me). I used to care so much about living up to their expectations and being the best. But that’s tiring and not conducive to being a creative person. If you are an artist, or a writer, or a filmmaker, or an actor, or anything else then you know that you will never be the best. You know that if you constantly compare your work to others’, you’ll never be able to make something or start a new project. To quote Portrait of a Lady on Fire, art is done when you decide to stop. 

This is going to sound cheesy, but your opinion is the only one that matters when it comes to your work. You’re the only one that really knows everything about what you’ve made, and where you’re coming from. You can only adequately judge something when you know everything about it, so you’re the only one that can really judge what you’ve made. (Except maybe God, if that’s your thing, but honestly if your work has caught The Big Man’s attention then you’ve either made something deeply concerning or incredible.)

We’ve all made bad art. I have written and made some truly terrible things, that hopefully will never leave my memory. But I think we need to stop being afraid of making bad art. Eventually you’ll think everything, and I mean everything, that you made is bad. You will look back on every past piece and shudder. But if you will eventually think that everything’s bad, then nothing you made is really bad, right? You may not like it anymore, but it made you better at your craft, so how could that be bad? 

Letting go of comparing yourself to others is hard. Honestly, the only way I’ve been able to do it is by positively bullying myself into stopping. Basically, treat your work like you’d treat a friend’s work. Would you insult your friend’s work or tell them it’s not good because someone made something better? No! You would talk about all the things that make the work great, and most importantly make the work theirs. So, next time you get down on yourself because someone else made something “better” than you, stop it!! “Good” and “bad” mean nothing, and your work can only be compared to your other work, otherwise it’s apples and oranges!